i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
