Your dad touched me again.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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