So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I love you.
Bad choice
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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