I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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