I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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