I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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