proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
