his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
