She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
