So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
