party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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