i already hear my dad disowning me
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
