i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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