Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize