I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
