I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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