I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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