Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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