so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
