I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
