so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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