i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize