Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
