New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
