i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
