I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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