Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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