You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
