Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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