I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
