I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
