my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
