did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
