some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
