Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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