I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
