I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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