I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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