I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
