His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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