He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
