The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize