I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
