1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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