I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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