Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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