and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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