At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
