Soap is not a condiment
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
please don't ironically join a cult
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