when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
