I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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