he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
