I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
