At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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