at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
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