Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
