I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
