My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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