i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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