I want to make a zoo with you.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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